I’m currently searching the World Wide Web for the origins of motivation and the means in which I can procure it… It shouldn’t have surprised me that there were a great number of websites and blogs written on the subject.
Many sites dedicated to the cause of blustering motivation into full blown movement, many have suggested to start small and focus on only one thing. This seems absurdly naive… After all, there are a myriad of obligations that necessitates my focus in order to survive in today’s society. I NEED and income, in which I am required (for the most part) to work. I have a family that have needs, as well as a need to eat and have an abode in which we sleep and dine in. There are bills that need attention and cars that need maintenance. There is also a need to make a public appearances to friends and family in order to prove that I haven’t slid into oblivion and have gone absolutely bat-shit crazy! It seems ludicrous that someone could possibly live in a world where all this insanity can be placed on pause in order for them to focus on one little “baby-step” towards untethered motivational bliss.
Many of these sites suggest a need to “Be Excited!”, which seems a little redundant. If I were excited about something… ANYTHING… I would have the motivation to chase it wouldn’t you think? There are the ridiculous things to be excited about; I would love to travel the world in excess comfort and the frivolity of someone obscenely rich but without the funds to do so, the excitement really tapers off. So in this morbid domino effect, reason tells me that I need to become horrendously rich! But how does one become rich if that in fact does not excite you?
Did I mention drugs?
I have a friend whose motivation is awe inspiring… no, even more so than that– It’s almost legendary in stature, and it’s horribly intimidating to me. Looking her in the face is as painful and as all encompassing as staring into the sun. The awful shame of knowing that I could never hold a candle to the motives of that one person is dizzying… and in some cases, nauseating. So, for a short while in the attempts to keep pace with those more motivated than myself, I resorted to a small compendium of drugs to push me. The obvious choice of speed and amphetamines to help gain those crucial miles in inspiration. And the outcome of course was…
Now before the outrage begins I’ll reassure you that this was very short lived and in reality would be very hard to maintain. I worked hard and I gained ground. Money was pouring in and I felt great, the goals I set for myself were being blown out of the water and I was running strong. Or at least I thought I was until I realized that somehow my goals and trajectories for the future were being rerouted to the simple process of obtaining more speed to keep me going. I guess that’s the cycle people keep talking about. I vaguely remember the public announcement commercial about the guy saying that he needs more coke, so that he can keep working, so he can buy more coke. Admittedly, that commercial has some merit… subtracting the amazing feeling, crazy parties, outrageous nightlife and sex scandels, but than it does slide back to,
“Jesus. I NEED MORE COKE!!”.
My drug addiction ended when I noticed that time was most certainly an issue. If I were to stay perpetually twenty-four than a steady coke addiction would probably be a more prominent role in my life. The frightening aspect of the story really comes down to the fact that now, nearly fourteen years later, I could go to a doctor and tell them the truth about my absolute lack of motivation and they would likely prescribe a varied concoction of medications that do the exact same thing…
Does that mean that depressed people just need a little speed?
Does that mean I’m depressed?
In reality, what I would like to do is own a small home in some medium town where I can write quaint little articles and make a simple little living with my family. That’s my goal and my motivation, but that motivation is so small and that medium township seems so far away.
Things do look smaller in the distance… Is that thinking small enough?